I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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