just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
