Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
