I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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