Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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