i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
4 words: hood of his car
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
