i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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