i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
