Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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