I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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