If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
