: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
