Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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