I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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