Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
