Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
