he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
