Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
