Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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