Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
