It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
