Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
