My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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