if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
