everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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