i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
