we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
