Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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