No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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