Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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