I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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