I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
