life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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