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i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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