i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
