Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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