Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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