maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
