i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
