I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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