We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
