I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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