I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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