i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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