im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
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better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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