I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
