if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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