Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
