alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
