im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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