She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
