"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
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You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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