I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
