Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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